I can’t even say this without thinking about Cartman on South Park, but I’m big-boned. Always have been. But, I’m also FAT. And maybe that’s not the PC term but I’ve never been accused of being terribly PC. Luckily, I’m also tall so up until about the last 5 years, I’ve “worn it well.” As if someone wears their extra weight like an awesome outfit.

Like about 99% of women, I’ve thought of myself as fat since I was a teenager, even though I definitely wasn’t. Just, as I said, big-boned. Looking back, I’d like to grab 15-year-old me and shake the misconceptions out of my head. Because NOW, now I’m actually over-weight. And with the way I’ve been going, in a few years, I’d be looking back at NOW and thinking I was skinny, just like I look at being 15, now—if that makes any sense.

And it’s not 100% about the way I look, like it was as a teen. It’s about my health and the fact that I get winded bending over to tie my shoes. That I have high blood pressure—and I’m 34. That if I’m not careful about what I eat, I can have pretty terrible sugar lows an hour or two after meals. That I have IBS, which stems mostly from my nerves, but is exacerbated by my terrible diet. It wasn’t always like this. But you can only abuse your body so much before it fights back. And that’s not something you want. So, put the donut down. Yes, you.

I meant to start exercising at the New Year like everyone else. That got derailed quickly as it always feels like there’s some family upset or mental breakdown keeping me from getting anything done. And I won’t go into any of that here…

But, in February I started back to doing some aerobic and toning DVD’s I’d done for about 6 months back in 2008. Six months is a huge deal since I’ve never stuck with any exercise regimen in my life. So, I’ve been at it for about three weeks now and not every day. I feel like if I shove myself too hard, too fast, I’ll get burnt out. But I’m easing myself back into it. In ’08, I was actually in pretty good shape. I didn’t realize it, of course. It wasn’t until I started to work-out this year that I realized just how far I’d let myself slide down the fat slope.

I’d considered taking pictures and documenting my progress on here as a way to make myself accountable. If I know other people are reading about my fat-capades, I’m more likely to keep trying. But, I said it’s not 100% about how I look. That doesn’t mean it’s not at all. I’d say it’s something like 60-40, with my health being my major concern. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’re all beautiful and as long as your weight doesn’t keep you from doing the things you love, or make you sick, then rock on! Unfortunately, I know that most of the world doesn’t feel that way and the internet is a lot like the locker room in high school. I’m not sure I wanna hear anything terrible about how I look, you know, since I might not be able to change it. Why subject myself to hate-speech when I give enough of that to myself? Perhaps I’ll wait and see if I can actually get anywhere and post my journey later. And I mean, I HAVE to get somewhere. Right? I’m pretty sure my quality and quantity of life depends on it.

~L~