There Goes My Memory

​I’m a few months shy of turning 36. I ponder on the fact that I am going to be closer to 40 than 30 and I wonder when it was I left my twenties. I wonder when will I ever feel like I am grown up.

I wonder if suddenly finding amusement in every single aspect of aging is considered a mid-life crisis, because if it is, I am knee deep in one. Last night I woke up abruptly from a disturbing dream. I was dreaming that I was at the grocery and I forgot my list. I say the dream was disturbing because it I woke up just as I would for an actual nightmare, heart racing and with the desire to jump out of bed. Apparently what I’m afraid of now includes shopping without my grocery list. That’s seems to be my life right now, forgetfulness. I can’t keep anything straight unless I write it down. I double book my schedule often because I can’t remember what is scribbled on my “reminder pad”, I use that term loosely because it can turn into the kid’s doodle pad at any given moment. A calendar seems like a great idea! I have a dry erase calendar on my fridge and another calendar that’s keeping track of my bills but it’s keeping track of nothing else of importance, like let’s say, ummmmm appointments, birthdays, or anniversaries! So forget getting a card of any sort from me until I remember the month is almost over and I forgot to check my, no, not calendar, card holder. Oh dear……

The more I try to become more organized the worse it becomes. I will seriously “organize” my house only to forget what genius place I put my things. The only thing I can seem to find is my dry erase calendar with nothing on it. I think it’s because I have to make room in my head for where everyone else’s stuff is located. For example, the other day my daughter was going nuts because she wanted to sleep with her Rapunzel doll. Yes, I knew where where that doll was but I can’t make it to my son’s field trip because I just scheduled my daughter’s dentist appointment on the same day. 
Yes, appointments can be rescheduled but thinking twice about anything these days scares me since I have no idea what I am doing in the first place. I blame my rheumatoid arthritis and fibrommyalgia. Explaining to people I have “fibro fog” seems to spark some recognition in them because it was most likely a part of a drug commercial promising a miracle cure for fibrommyalgia pain. Those commercials are a joke and quite annoying to someone like me. A woman living in a world of gray is suddenly able to fly a kite and laugh with her family after taking a magic pill. I think they’d be better off if they’d just sell me directions to the junk I just organized, that would make me happy. 

Happiness takes on a whole new meaning as I get older. I’m happy if I really do get to the grocery with all my coupons and a list in my hand on a day I didn’t forget to do something else, but that’s just a dream, we all know that list is sitting on my kitchen counter. 
*d*

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Open Doors and Benadryl

I learned that the young man I stumbled across in the bathroom passed away today. My heart breaks for his family…

CrossRoadTrippers

There are days I think I have this all figured out and I know what I’m supposed to do, what I’m supposed to be when I grow up. Then there are days like today, and days like last Friday that tell me I’m completely wrong about having a clue.
The new year is a fresh start for a lot of people. Not me. I spend all year scrutinizing my choices, making resolutions I never keep, feeling like I need to make my life better. The new year is just more of the same. There is no discernible difference in my anxiety levels, my drive or lack thereof, in say, June compared to December and the beginning of January. It’s all the same. One chaotic “What the hell am I gonna do?”
Very recently, I considered taking my cleaning job and making it my “real” job. What I mean by that…

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Thought for Today

​Thought for today: No one is perfect and no one will ever be perfect. Remember that when you are doing the best you can and compare your life to someone else’s that may look perfect. I assure you, it isn’t. All this may sound like very basic advice but we don’t always follow it. We turn on the television, scroll through social media, or observe someone like a coworker or friend who always seems to be planning something exciting and think of how our lives pale in comparison. It’s hard. We are all trying our best but there is always something out there to make us think we may not be doing quite enough. I want to tell you today; your best is enough. I have had to accept that just getting through the day at my worst is good enough as well. This world is full of imperfect people who yield imperfections. Yep, there is always room for error because we don’t have the capability to be perfect people. We all mess up, forget something, run late, say the wrong thing, and more. And we are all struggling. So while you remind yourself to give the next person compassion, don’t forget to extend compassion to another very important person, yourself.