health

Finding, Holding, and Sharing the Light

~ crossroadtrippers ~ Leave a comment

A few years ago, I was writing for an online publication/page for people with disabilities, chronic illness(es), etc. I thought I had found my niche writing about the subject matter I had unfortunately grown accustomed to. I was proud when they posted an article I wrote about my mom and her journey through her search for a diagnosis after years of suffering and a major, quite rare, surgery. I had hoped the bulk of her difficulty would be over but she was since diagnosed with seronegative Rheumatoid and just last year, breast cancer.

She certainly has had her fill dealing with one health setback after another, but sometimes it helps one to know they haven’t been or aren’t laboring alone.

In my experience, one of the hardest parts of having a debilitating or life-threatening diagnosis can be the loneliness, even when surrounded by people. The loneliness is aggravated by the mental toll these illnesses can have on someone. It can cause those of us dealing with chronic illness, especially over a long period of time, to withdrawal, seem distant, and shy away from being around others. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a desire to have others around.

People often don’t know what to say when a loved one is dealing with a chronic illness or life-threatening disease.

It can also be hard to reach out and ask others for help because illness and disease can make those dealing with them feel unworthy of even the relationships they dearly desire.

Disease is a thief. It steals peace of mind, relationships, confidence, trust and so much more. It robs someone of their identity and replaces it with medical verbiage and symptoms. It makes someone feel worthless because their care may require more time, energy and finances. It can make you feel like you are someone you don’t even recognize.

When difficult circumstances  carry an expiration date, that can offer light on the horizon. But when it seems never ending, it no doubt becomes more than one can bear alone.

I hear people say, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve never liked this saying. Life will give you more than you can handle alone. God made people to be social. He wants us to bear the burden of one another’s lives (Galatians 6:2). He also gives us His strength for us to get through the various trials life hands to us, trials that often outnumber our own strength. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 says, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

My mom is near the end of her breast cancer journey, but I’d like for those who love her to continue to stand strong with her. I don’t feel like I’ve done nearly enough to support her through the entirety of her health setbacks. Even I, who has an empathetic understanding of what she needs during these times, have struggled to know what to say or do.

Just because someone doesn’t reach out for help, doesn’t mean they don’t need it. Just because they don’t share how hard it’s been, doesn’t mean it hasn’t been hard. And just because they haven’t been around, it doesn’t mean they don’t need you.

Her breast cancer diagnosis last year has even shaken my own faith. I often ask why there cannot be a light at the end of the long, arduous tunnel. She certainly deserves it. But that’s why it’s called faith.

Faith is a belief in something not always understood. Having faith doesn’t mean you somehow have the inroad to healing, health, and happiness. Having true faith can sometimes be trying. In the book of Malachi, the Bible speaks of Jesus as the “refiner’s fire.” What can try to destroy by fire, He uses to strengthen and “purge them as gold and silver (3:3).”

If you see my mom, tell her she’s His treasure, she’s doing an amazing job or just give her a hug. You can say a lot by not saying anything at all. Keep her in your prayers. I’m not going to stop praying for complete healing. I’m proud of how hard my mom has fought over the years and I feel absolutely blessed that she is my mom.

*d*

Keep Your Goals In Sight…Especially If Your Goal Is The Bathroom

~ crossroadtrippers ~ Leave a comment

toilet

I was recently pretty sick and though the majority of my symptoms are gone, I still don’t feel 100% like myself. That’s probably due to the root reason for my illness. My mind. Not that I’m saying I’m sick in the head…wait, maybe that is what I’m saying….

So, for as long as I can remember, I’ve had a sensitive stomach. It wasn’t until a few years ago that my weak tum-tum got labeled as irritable, as if it were a fussy infant or a grouchy elderly gentleman.

Grandpa Simpson

After a series of tests, from food allergies to the most undesirable ‘oscopies, my condition got me lumped into the Irritable Bowel Syndrome category. I say lumped, because it seems like this diagnosis is what you get when there’s absolutely no reason for your symptoms, and yet, there they are. Basically, what it boiled down to was that it was all in my head. Now, as a long-time sufferer from this apparently mentally-driven illness, THAT IS THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO BE TOLD. It sounds messed up, but you almost hope that they find an ulcer just so you have a reason for feeling so awful. It’s not like the Dr. said verbatim, “You’re making this up in your head,” but it still felt like it was my fault.

Anxiety has plagued me as far back as the single digits, with depression joining the party in my teens, and apparently, when it runs amuck, it can cause major irritability in your guts. So, I literally worry myself sick. And trying not to, only makes me think about it more, and makes the rumbly in my tumbly rage on.

True story.
True story.

Aside from taking more pills, there doesn’t seem like a way to escape myself. I’ve considered meditation and heard good things about it. Maybe I’ll give it a try. I just can’t imagine turning off the unending movie in my head.

I know I’m not alone, even if the subject matter is a little, um “unmentionable.” Well, I’m mentioning it. And not like the cute little cartoon bowel in the commercial,

Yeah. No.
Yeah. No.

like the raging, angry, week-ruining, temper-tantrum-throwing jerk that it is.

There we go.
There we go.

The reason for this most recent flare-up? Well, I’m working up the courage to write it down…because once it’s down in writing, it becomes more than just a random, fleeting thought zipping down the interstate of my mind. Next rest stop: 50 miles. Uh-oh.

#WINNING
#WINNING

~L~

Big Bones…Big Butt

~ crossroadtrippers ~ 2 Comments

I can’t even say this without thinking about Cartman on South Park, but I’m big-boned. Always have been. But, I’m also FAT. And maybe that’s not the PC term but I’ve never been accused of being terribly PC. Luckily, I’m also tall so up until about the last 5 years, I’ve “worn it well.” As if someone wears their extra weight like an awesome outfit.

bundymeme

Like about 99% of women, I’ve thought of myself as fat since I was a teenager, even though I definitely wasn’t. Just, as I said, big-boned. Looking back, I’d like to grab 15-year-old me and shake the misconceptions out of my head. Because NOW, now I’m actually over-weight. And with the way I’ve been going, in a few years, I’d be looking back at NOW and thinking I was skinny, just like I look at being 15, now—if that makes any sense.

And it’s not 100% about the way I look, like it was as a teen. It’s about my health and the fact that I get winded bending over to tie my shoes. That I have high blood pressure—and I’m 34. That if I’m not careful about what I eat, I can have pretty terrible sugar lows an hour or two after meals. That I have IBS, which stems mostly from my nerves, but is exacerbated by my terrible diet. It wasn’t always like this. But you can only abuse your body so much before it fights back. And that’s not something you want. So, put the donut down. Yes, you.

Mmmmm, sugar
Mmmmm, sugar

I meant to start exercising at the New Year like everyone else. That got derailed quickly as it always feels like there’s some family upset or mental breakdown keeping me from getting anything done. And I won’t go into any of that here…

Avoiding-exercise-ecard

But, in February I started back to doing some aerobic and toning DVD’s I’d done for about 6 months back in 2008. Six months is a huge deal since I’ve never stuck with any exercise regimen in my life. So, I’ve been at it for about three weeks now and not every day. I feel like if I shove myself too hard, too fast, I’ll get burnt out. But I’m easing myself back into it. In ’08, I was actually in pretty good shape. I didn’t realize it, of course. It wasn’t until I started to work-out this year that I realized just how far I’d let myself slide down the fat slope.

Maybe some horizontal running...
Maybe some horizontal running…

I’d considered taking pictures and documenting my progress on here as a way to make myself accountable. If I know other people are reading about my fat-capades, I’m more likely to keep trying. But, I said it’s not 100% about how I look. That doesn’t mean it’s not at all. I’d say it’s something like 60-40, with my health being my major concern. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’re all beautiful and as long as your weight doesn’t keep you from doing the things you love, or make you sick, then rock on! Unfortunately, I know that most of the world doesn’t feel that way and the internet is a lot like the locker room in high school. I’m not sure I wanna hear anything terrible about how I look, you know, since I might not be able to change it. Why subject myself to hate-speech when I give enough of that to myself? Perhaps I’ll wait and see if I can actually get anywhere and post my journey later. And I mean, I HAVE to get somewhere. Right? I’m pretty sure my quality and quantity of life depends on it.

~L~