Keep Your Goals In Sight…Especially If Your Goal Is The Bathroom

toilet

I was recently pretty sick and though the majority of my symptoms are gone, I still don’t feel 100% like myself. That’s probably due to the root reason for my illness. My mind. Not that I’m saying I’m sick in the head…wait, maybe that is what I’m saying….

So, for as long as I can remember, I’ve had a sensitive stomach. It wasn’t until a few years ago that my weak tum-tum got labeled as irritable, as if it were a fussy infant or a grouchy elderly gentleman.

Grandpa Simpson

After a series of tests, from food allergies to the most undesirable ‘oscopies, my condition got me lumped into the Irritable Bowel Syndrome category. I say lumped, because it seems like this diagnosis is what you get when there’s absolutely no reason for your symptoms, and yet, there they are. Basically, what it boiled down to was that it was all in my head. Now, as a long-time sufferer from this apparently mentally-driven illness, THAT IS THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO BE TOLD. It sounds messed up, but you almost hope that they find an ulcer just so you have a reason for feeling so awful. It’s not like the Dr. said verbatim, “You’re making this up in your head,” but it still felt like it was my fault.

Anxiety has plagued me as far back as the single digits, with depression joining the party in my teens, and apparently, when it runs amuck, it can cause major irritability in your guts. So, I literally worry myself sick. And trying not to, only makes me think about it more, and makes the rumbly in my tumbly rage on.

True story.
True story.

Aside from taking more pills, there doesn’t seem like a way to escape myself. I’ve considered meditation and heard good things about it. Maybe I’ll give it a try. I just can’t imagine turning off the unending movie in my head.

I know I’m not alone, even if the subject matter is a little, um “unmentionable.” Well, I’m mentioning it. And not like the cute little cartoon bowel in the commercial,

Yeah. No.
Yeah. No.

like the raging, angry, week-ruining, temper-tantrum-throwing jerk that it is.

There we go.
There we go.

The reason for this most recent flare-up? Well, I’m working up the courage to write it down…because once it’s down in writing, it becomes more than just a random, fleeting thought zipping down the interstate of my mind. Next rest stop: 50 miles. Uh-oh.

#WINNING
#WINNING

~L~

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Big Bones…Big Butt

I can’t even say this without thinking about Cartman on South Park, but I’m big-boned. Always have been. But, I’m also FAT. And maybe that’s not the PC term but I’ve never been accused of being terribly PC. Luckily, I’m also tall so up until about the last 5 years, I’ve “worn it well.” As if someone wears their extra weight like an awesome outfit.

bundymeme

Like about 99% of women, I’ve thought of myself as fat since I was a teenager, even though I definitely wasn’t. Just, as I said, big-boned. Looking back, I’d like to grab 15-year-old me and shake the misconceptions out of my head. Because NOW, now I’m actually over-weight. And with the way I’ve been going, in a few years, I’d be looking back at NOW and thinking I was skinny, just like I look at being 15, now—if that makes any sense.

And it’s not 100% about the way I look, like it was as a teen. It’s about my health and the fact that I get winded bending over to tie my shoes. That I have high blood pressure—and I’m 34. That if I’m not careful about what I eat, I can have pretty terrible sugar lows an hour or two after meals. That I have IBS, which stems mostly from my nerves, but is exacerbated by my terrible diet. It wasn’t always like this. But you can only abuse your body so much before it fights back. And that’s not something you want. So, put the donut down. Yes, you.

Mmmmm, sugar
Mmmmm, sugar

I meant to start exercising at the New Year like everyone else. That got derailed quickly as it always feels like there’s some family upset or mental breakdown keeping me from getting anything done. And I won’t go into any of that here…

Avoiding-exercise-ecard

But, in February I started back to doing some aerobic and toning DVD’s I’d done for about 6 months back in 2008. Six months is a huge deal since I’ve never stuck with any exercise regimen in my life. So, I’ve been at it for about three weeks now and not every day. I feel like if I shove myself too hard, too fast, I’ll get burnt out. But I’m easing myself back into it. In ’08, I was actually in pretty good shape. I didn’t realize it, of course. It wasn’t until I started to work-out this year that I realized just how far I’d let myself slide down the fat slope.

Maybe some horizontal running...
Maybe some horizontal running…

I’d considered taking pictures and documenting my progress on here as a way to make myself accountable. If I know other people are reading about my fat-capades, I’m more likely to keep trying. But, I said it’s not 100% about how I look. That doesn’t mean it’s not at all. I’d say it’s something like 60-40, with my health being my major concern. Don’t get me wrong, I think we’re all beautiful and as long as your weight doesn’t keep you from doing the things you love, or make you sick, then rock on! Unfortunately, I know that most of the world doesn’t feel that way and the internet is a lot like the locker room in high school. I’m not sure I wanna hear anything terrible about how I look, you know, since I might not be able to change it. Why subject myself to hate-speech when I give enough of that to myself? Perhaps I’ll wait and see if I can actually get anywhere and post my journey later. And I mean, I HAVE to get somewhere. Right? I’m pretty sure my quality and quantity of life depends on it.

~L~