If there was fine print on a marriage certificate, it should clearly state some of the changes that will eventually occur. One of these changes is the reduction of sex within a relationship. The time frame in which this happens varies by couple but most honest couples who are in long-term relationships will say it has happened. We collaborated and made a list of things that replace sex in a relationship and other things that can deter the deed.

Bad breath
The nights when the garlic toast is still lingering are the best nights to turn back-to-back and just call it a day.

Lethargy
Having kids can feel like two full time jobs. There will be plenty of times when plans are foiled by unintended sleep.

The wedge (or child) between us
This explains itself.

A favorite show
Everyone needs an escape from reality, unless it is reality television, then you are better off just having sex.

Mommy mode
There has to be a gear between mom and wife, it is hard to make the shift.
“Maybe it’s the hair matted with cheerios talking, but I’m not feeling too hot right now.”

Pajamas from yesterday
Don’t bother trying to take these off. They are probably dirty as well as what is underneath. If there was no time for a wardrobe change, there isn’t time for anything else.

The need to relax
There are several steps between before and after that make it look like more work than it’s worth.

Kids??? More kids??
Not sure? Better not. Sleep is safer..

No one can ask me questions when I am sleeping. (I just threw that one in there. I am tied of everyone asking me questions.)

I could still dream of sex
This is the only win win.

Sleep
Sleep is instant gratification.
No need for foreplay here..
Speaking of foreplay…..
Why bother? If this takes too long, it may be the only thing that gets done.

Work tomorrow
Damn responsibilities!

Grandma panties
Comfort over sexy occurs over thirty.

Headaches
No, really, I have a headache.

Clean sheets
“I just washed those and I am not washing them again tomorrow.”

Laziness
If it requires leaving the bed, it isn’t happening.

Eating
One doesn’t feel so sexy when stuffed full of tasty goodness.

Alcohol
Either the beer goggles were needed or alcohol isn’t a good idea later in life.

Social Media
Spending useless time stalking people you don’t like seems like a better idea. (We don’t know why either.)

Being Sore
Once you’re over 30, stuff that never used to ache starts and being in denial about not being as young as you used to be can equate to some sore muscles. That makes for groaning in the bedroom, but definitely not in a fun way.

It‘s too late
I knew I was getting older when I gave sex a curfew.

Lets hope we can all find quality time with our partners but when we don’t, have a laugh about it. If not, it will just seem sad.

~L~ and *d*